Friday, August 10, 2012

Tipping the Scale

I woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning.  It felt good.  I hadn't done that since... who knows when?  I mean, I actually woke up before my boys!  That has happened like five times ever, and mostly because I had to, not because I wanted to.  Anyway, I woke up to the crisp, fresh morning air permeating my room; and it delivered a wonderful message - fall is coming!  It's just around the corner!  I went downstairs, started a pot of coffee and proceeded to open every window in the house.  I opened our back door and breathed in the day.  I think I breathed it all the way in to my soul.  With that breath came so many emotions - the joy of knowing I'm alive and have such a beautiful little family, the sweet melancholy that another season of my life is fading away, the ambition to get outside and savor every moment, and the lethargy to sleep this beautiful day away.  I love how this kind of day always brings such duplicity.  And, yet, I kind of hate it, too.

At this point, I seem to have given in to the latter emotions - melancholy and lethargy.  I had to increase the dose of Levi's seizure meds today.  This has been the plan all along; but it bothers me - alot.  I actually teared up as I opened that extra capsule and sprinkled it into the mushy bite of banana.  I know that it's helping to keep him seizure free, but I hate to think of what else it's doing to his body.  All of those negative side-effects are constantly floating in the back of my mind.  So, I think it was that moment that tipped the scale and dumped me right into the bleakness of a chilly, overcast day.

The beauty of this kind of day, though, is that the clouds will dissipate soon enough.  I'll make myself take the boys outside to play and I'll enjoy the warmth of the sun that counteracts the cool breeze.  I'll get the chance to take another breath.  And another.  It will be beautiful.  And, more than likely, it will tip the scale in the other direction.

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