Thursday, November 21, 2013


"This is the heart of Camelot, not these stones, not these timbers, these palaces and towers. Burn them all and Camelot lives on, because it lives in us." 

Seek first His Kingdom - I've always seen this through a romantic lens.  I visualize an entire volume of novels about a great King and his noblemen out to deliver mankind from the evil sorcerer who has cast a dark spell over all of the earth.  I think of Camelot, beautiful, radiant Camelot and the line that I quoted above from the movie "First Knight".  I picture myself, on the back of a swift horse, risking my life for the sake of the King and that glorious city that dwells on inside of us all.

And then, real life interrupts me.  Epilepsy here, a broken collar bone there, fatigue, exhaustion, emotion.... and suddenly I can't seem to see the city any more.  In fact, I can't seem to see beyond my own nose, or, particularly, my two boys and my husband.  And the dishes - there are always dishes.  

This week I've been distracted by medicine changes and break-through seizures (we think the stupid infantile spasms that cause Levi's developmental delay are back). Two weeks ago, it was Toby's broken collar bone.  But, whether it's cooking dinner and paying the bills, a scraped up knee, or a broken bone, there's always something - something diverting my attention from the beauty I have dreamed of fighting for.

It's a situation that I can't change.  I can't just make it all go away.  It's so easy to start to think that I'm absolutely useless when it comes to giving my life for the sake of some great, invisible thing.  How can I serve others when I feel that I barely have the strength to serve my own family?

This is where I've been.  But, this week, in the midst of the stress and uncertainty of Levi's condition, God has reminded me of something.  This mess of a situation that I'm in - epilepsy, autism testing, therapies, and even the dishes - is my small plot of earth in a magnificent Kingdom.  So, I'm going to fight for that earth.  I'm going to give everything I've got. It might just be a little at a time, but I'm taking what land I can get for now.  And, then I'm going for more.  

Although poopy diapers and whining and fits aren't all that glorious, and even though I can't always see the city beyond my spot of land, my boys, my beautiful boys, epilepsy and all, are still a part of Camelot.  And yes, the dishes too.

 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."  -Matthew 6:33